


remain nameless

by xigithy



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: M/M, Spoilers for KH3, happy xigsai day :'), just some sappy angst, post-kh3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-05-30 21:25:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19411708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xigithy/pseuds/xigithy
Summary: I wish to remain namelessAnd live without shame'Cause what's in a name, OhI still remain the sameXigbar has FEELINGS and they're SCARY.





	remain nameless

He can’t sleep. Xigbar had managed- for a few hours at least- to get some shut-eye, but the distant pattering of rain against the roof mixed with the deep rumble of rolling thunder had started him awake about an hour ago, and no amount of obnoxious tossing and turning had been able to soothe him back into slumber. 

He’s in the kitchen- if you can _call_ the cramped space a proper kitchen- of some temporary place in Radiant Garden, leaning against an open windowpane and smoking. It’s his second, or… third one of the night, and as he takes one last, long drag of a cigarette before snuffing it out, his mind can’t help but wander to the reason why exactly he’s chain-smoking at three in the goddamn morning. 

Saïx- _Isa_ , now that he went and got his heart back, is probably still snoozing where Xigbar left him- curled up on the lumpy mattress in the other room and vaguely reminiscent of a sleeping puppy who wore itself out by playing too hard. He snickers to himself as he watches the last wisps of cigarette smoke swirl and dissipate into the nighttime sky. In a way, Isa _had_ worn himself out; their escapades had spanned the better part of the evening and well into the night and- even now, standing shirtless with skin exposed to the cool air, Xigbar can feel the distant sting of every hard-earned scratch the other man had clawed into his back over the course of the night. 

It’s the fresh memory of their night together, still lingering, warm and- _ugh_ , happy- in his core that draws him back to the room. As he pads softly back into the cramped space, navigating the darkness as if he was born in it, and creeps back into the bed, Xigbar replays a scene over again in his head; the way the dimming light of the setting sun had cast an almost ethereal glow over Isa’s form, how fucking _beautiful_ he was- begging Xigbar for the sweet satisfaction of release, the brilliant flush of his cheeks as he finally rolled off him, and….the whisper of an ‘I love you’ only just audible through their shared panting and gasping for cool air. Only just audible, but crystal clear enough that Xigbar could hear it, distinct enough for it to rip through him like a bullet through his chest- gripping tightly at his heart and squeezing at what little life lies within it- and yet soft enough that Isa hadn’t seemed especially perturbed when Xigbar had let the admission just float between them without so much as an acknowledgment.

He slides back under the sheets, sitting up with his back against the headboard of the bed, and gives his eye a minute to properly adjust to the low light of the bedroom. As everything begins to come into focus, Xigbar can’t help but notice that the room feels… different, somehow. Warmer. And _sure_ , there is still the lingering heat of their bodies, melting and merging into the warmth of the atmosphere, but the very aura of the entire space has seemed to shift into something softer- makes it almost feel like a place to _live_ , rather than a space to pass out for a few hours of fitful rest every night. 

...Christ, how did he let things get this far?

This... _thing_ between them was never meant to be serious. Back in the Organization, it had been a way to kill time- something to do just to see if he _could_. Saïx had always seemed so above everyone else, that Xigbar had made it his mission to knock him down a peg or two- to bring him down to their level. He’d never, in his wildest dreams, expected they’d end up here, recompleted, and spending more nights together than he wants to admit to.

_What’re you_ **_doing_ ** _to me_?

Almost as if he can hear the thoughts rattling around in Xigbar’s brain, Isa rolls in his sleep to face him. Xigbar blinks at the sleeping man and, for a moment, is content to just listen to the deep inhale and exhale of sleeping breath, to just watch the gentle rise and fall of his strong chest as Isa dreams peacefully. The shorter layers of Isa’s hair had been sent askew at some point during the night, and each turn in his sleep only mussed the hair further. Now the brilliant locks obscure his visage- and the scar seared onto his skin along with it.

Xigbar had been there when Xemnas had given the thing to him. The reminder of Saïx’s place within the Organization, the admonition of his recusance, and the marking of his status as one of those chosen for the true Organization. He had watched, stony-faced, as the Organization’s No. I clutched Saïx’s jaw and carved the X upon the young man’s face- slow and deliberate- all while Saïx had sat, still and unmoving, as his flesh was given wholly to the cause. He remembers the way Xemnas had left him, curled up and bleeding out on the floor and how, even then, Saïx hadn’t cried out in pain. 

He clenches a fist at the memory, furious at how the stubborn recollection burns in his mind and his heart, and Xigbar has half a mind to roll back out of bed to go- he doesn’t know- do _anything_ to dispel the newly restless energy vibrating within him; but Isa shifts just then, as if he can feel the tension from the other man even in slumber, reaching an arm out and draping it across Xigbar’s lap with a contented sigh.

...Even in the dark, Isa is _beautiful_. 

Without much thought, he reaches out to brush the wisps of blue hair from Isa’s face. At the touch- or maybe, more realistically, at some unknown dream within his head- Isa smiles in his sleep, and the sight of the faint upturned corners of his mouth ties knot upon knot in Xigbar’s stomach. 

He could stay here forever. 

The thought occurs to him suddenly and is gone just as soon as it arrives. Withdrawing his hand sharply from against Isa’s face, Xigbar sighs raggedly and runs it through the mess of long, loose hair atop his head. What is he **doing** ? No. He shouldn’t be thinking like this- he can’t _afford_ to be thinking like this. There are… so many more things at play here than what he apparently wants there to be between him and Isa. So many things left to be done- a role still left to fulfill- things _far_ bigger in the grand scheme of things than himself and his… _feelings_. And yet, sitting here in the darkness, sleeping lover at his side, the “indispensable number seven” finds that he cares very little for roles and plans and Masters. In this moment, he wants very much to remain a man lost to the passage of time- to cast off the collar and tightly wound leash of being Luxu and remain Xigbar, a nobody in every sense of the word. 

“...you’re thinking very loudly.”

He jumps at the sudden low hum of Isa’s voice. As usual, he hadn’t even heard the sleeping man stir, but from the way sleep still seems to hug the intonation of his statement, Isa had only just woken. Xigbar only offers a grunt in response- aloof and noncommittal, as most of his answers tend to be, but he knows in his heart that Isa knows better. 

Isa reaches the arm draped over Xigbar’s lap up and absently twists a finger around a loose lock of gray hair, fiddling with it as he looks expectantly up at the other man. 

“...’s _nothing_ , go back to sleep.” He winces at the way his voice cracks with the lie, just enough to be noticeable, and inwardly Xigbar chastises himself for what feels like the millionth time that evening. He lies like he _breathes_ \- and he’s damn good at it- so why does this one little white lie feel like a mountain he can’t quite conquer?

The fingers tangled in his hair still for a moment and he can feel the steady stare of Isa’s vibrant eyes on him, studying him. Saïx used to look at him in a similar fixed way, as if he were always trying to figure out Xigbar’s intentions but only just unable to connect the dots. The look being cast upon him now, though, feels just different enough to be noticeable; there’s an air of genuine concern mingling with it that draws that same twisting feeling back to the pit of Xigbar’s stomach. 

“Hey...” He takes the hand resting against him gently in his own with a quiet sigh and lifts it up to his face; there’s but a second’s hesitation before he presses a tender kiss to Isa’s hand, and judging from the way Isa briefly tenses his hand at the action, it’s not an entirely wrong move. “It’s _alright_. Go back to sleep.”

“Hm, fine.” The laconic reply from Isa holds no vexation; his voice is still shrouded in sleep, and so Xigbar gets the feeling that whatever protest Isa may have normally offered still lie dormant in his sleep-addled brain. Slipping his hand from Xigbar’s grip, Isa turns to face the other side of the room with a yawn and settles back into his nest of pillows and blankets. “...but don’t say I didn’t make an attempt to quell your constant need for _attention_.”

Xigbar’s heart skips a beat at the sound of Isa’s faint smile in his teasing. Like a puppy, he follows the other man, wiggling down into the bed and lying back against the mattress. God, he really is _pathetic-_ letting himself melt over every goddamn thing Isa does. It’s counterproductive to the entire grand plan- it’s greedy, to let himself come so far, only to trip and fall in love mere _feet_ from the finish line. It’s-

“...I love you.”

The confession spills forth from him before Xigbar’s brain can even parse what’s being said. There’s a fleeting moment of panic as the declaration settles between them, worry that- sometime between Isa’s admission and his own- the younger man might have had a change of heart, deciding instead that the feelings he has for Xigbar are nothing more than glorified feelings of lust- rather than honest, true emotion.

Isa only sighs softly, for effect, before scooting back until their bodies are flush against each other and grabbing Xigbar’s arm with a quiet chuckle. “ _Fine_ , I’ll pay attention to you.”

He pulls Xigbar’s arm over his middle and Xigbar takes the direction almost gleefully, pulling Isa into something of a snuggle with a relieved sigh.

“S’that all it took?” He grins to himself, setting his chin against the crook of Isa’s neck and intertwining their fingers. “Maybe I should’ve said it sooner then. I _do_ love attention.”

“Yes.” Isa agrees, a pleasant hum punctuating the remark. Xigbar has half a mind to ask Isa exactly _which_ part of the statement he’s agreeing to, but then Isa squeezes the hand holding his own, and the doubts- as minute as they are- seem to evaporate.

“Y’know... you’re turning into kinda a sap.” 

“I fear it’s the heart. Things were _far_ simpler before I regained it.” The faint vibration that rumbles up from Isa’s chest as he laughs prompts another little flip of Xigbar’s stomach, a sensation that he finds is growing more pleasant each time it happens.

“It suits you,” he remarks almost too softly before shifting to press a lingering kiss to Isa’s jaw. Then, swallowing thickly, “...you’re turning me into kinda a sap too.”

“You know something?” Isa speaks in almost a whisper, as if too loud a volume might jinx the whole thing. “It suits you too.”

“Ugh- as _if_.” 

Xigbar buries his face into Isa, part hiding from the other man the blush that he can feel spreading quickly across his face, and part wanting to revel in his presence- to commit every inch of him to memory. The two lie like that, in comfortable silence, for seemingly no time at all, and before long the deep, even breathing of Isa’s sleep resumes; like a metronome, the steady pace of his breathing begins to pull Xigbar into slumber as well, and finally, his vessel relaxes and begins to drift off.

The grand scheme of things can wait for just a day or two, he decides. What has been written- what has been foretold… the Master had told him once that the mere _existence_ of the Book meant Luxu had fulfilled his role- successfully done what he had been bid so many years ago. So, logically...a few days of selfishness should disrupt nothing- the inevitable is just that: that which is meant to _will_ eventually come to pass. 

_May your heart be your guiding key._

The mantra crosses his mind abruptly. The words he’s lived his lives by, the very foundation of his principles…how apt that those same seven words should offer him comfort now and give him the advice he so desperately longs for. With one last sigh, Xigbar closes his eye and lets sleep overtake him. 

He knows where his heart has guided him; here, to this tiny room with the man sleeping soundly beside him. And if his heart is what brought him here, what brought them together, then there can’t be anything worth worrying about, can there?


End file.
